Avoiding The Marital Problems That Come With Workouts

Here is a slice of reality based on my observations and experiences (and yes, my biases) of a very personal subject: spousal survival and success in the workout environment.

Personally, I have experienced the most successful spousal relationship imaginable during the peaks and valleys of my own career and the development of over 54 businesses over the years. My wife and I have lived through the pain and suffering of many financial ups and downs and therefore, a few tough workouts, and she has always acted like a saint. She has felt the enormous pains without ever complaining, remaining steadfast and diligent. She faced the reality that I created and made it work. She is a saint and I am a lucky man. Amen.

Now, this is not to say she did not have bad days or get gloomy and depressed many, many times, but it is to say that she took it like a champion under all circumstances, making the best of it she could, supporting me and standing tall under the stress and strain. Wow!!! What a great attitude and what a great woman. I am eternally grateful. She is the best. She probably will never read this but it doesn’t matter because I tell her every opportunity I can. I am extremely fortunate for the support and loyalty I’ve had from my wife and I share my experience to show you that it is possible for a marriage to survive deep economic and business stress and pressure.

So, here is the dark side of this story. For every five workouts there are three to four marital disasters of one sort or another. At best, there is typically no joy or adoration and there is likely permanent long-term damage to the core relationship. Workout situations have a huge effect on your spouse and can be very destructive to the marital relationship. In fact, they usually are.

I believe if we evaluate the differences between husbands and wives in a workout environment, we can better learn how to cope with the issues and why they happen. Understanding this can help you do a better job of supporting your marriage–perhaps even saving it–during these trying times. In my experience, women tend to be more risk averse than their husbands, preferring stability and control over large risks and lack control that come with the pursuit of potential huge business gains. Additionally, woman appear less willing to sacrifice their comforts today for future gains and prefer to not have to deal with a survival situation, while men have much less of a problem with either. Wives tend to be more in the here and now while their husbands take a much longer view. Husbands tend to be willing to sacrifice more of themselves than their wives. Wives want to see results today.

Thus, when the plan begins to unravel, control begins to erode, cash flow is inadequate and the break-even is around the corner, vacations are canceled, credit cards maxed out, and lots of stress, long hours and exhausting work efforts take their places… spousal relationships spiral out of control. It is fertile ground for serious issues to develop, so careful communication is the requirement for survival. At this stage, divorces and separations abound.

So, how do we prevent, or at least reduce the danger and angst in such situations? Well, it is the husbands who are usually the entrepreneurs, forcing wives into accepting risk situations. If they understood what the differences are between the two views, maybe they would have an easier time navigating these tricky waters and could be more supportive of their wives and helpful in allaying their fears.

1. Husbands must bear the brunt of the pain, as much as possible, but communication is required. Sometimes less information is better for your wife. It’s your job, do it and leave her out of your business woes. Suck it up, take the blows, the disappointments and the difficulties and exclaim “What a wonderful day I had at the office, dear.” But, let’s not be stupid about it. If the tow truck is taking her car away, you probably should have been communicating your difficulties, just not whining or projecting how difficult things are or how much help you may need. Be the man and stand up to the challenge, but do not drag your wife into the battle. Communicate honestly, but remember, it’s your problem.

2. If you must talk with her about the situation, do not be emotional or overly optimistic. Be realistic, candid and honest, but with as little detail as possible. She does not want to hear the details, that’s your business. She does want to feel assured that she is safe and secure and the best way to do that is to assure her that you feel safe and secure. Demonstrate this and she will be happier. Do not lie, you will get caught and then you will be guilty of two sins: doing and lying about it. (Remember Nixon?)

3. Give assurances that while the situation may be difficult, you have faith and believe in a positive outcome. Be realistic, however. Do not promise her a Cadillac if it is unlikely to materialize.

4. If you want to keep your relationship going, you must make major changes or quit altogether SOONER than your own tolerance for pain would dictate as your wife will bend and break long before you. Buckle up for safety sooner then you believe is necessary if you want to save your marriage.

5. When it’s time to quit, engineer a safe exit strategy. Consult experts on such matters, and only those that specialize and understand workouts. Do not consider bankruptcy seriously there are better options (and bankruptcy is deadly for wives).

6. Eight out of every ten small businesses fail, so learning how to fail successfully is important to maintaining marriages. You must finance your transition, preventing serious loss and providing a springboard to your next venture. It’s best not to exit without capital in your personal control. If you have organized your self and business correctly, you will leave your debt behind and figure out how to leave with adequate cash reserves for personal survival.

7. When you have made your decision, whatever it may be, act on it immediately. Sleep on it for a day or two at the most and then when you are ready, inform your wife that you have made a positive decision for the betterment of you and your family and you intend to do such-and-such, and then do it, immediately. Do not talk about it any more than required, just do it. Remember, wives need to be shown.

8. During the workout, keep your business and personal lives as separate as possible. Try hard not to take business home. Do not discuss workout details with your wife. The details are scary, sometimes illogical and difficult to understand, and will cause fear and concern if you attempt to explain them, which more than likely, you can’t.

9. Do not engage in philosophical discussions and what is right or wrong to do. It’s your call, not hers, and she should not be concerned or involved in these issues.

10. Do not let her discover that credit cards are turned off by hearing it from the clerk at a local store. Embarrassing your wife publicly is not a good thing. Tell her yourself. As much as it hurts and destroys your ego, just say, “The cards are terminated for a while, please do not use them until I tell you its ok which way be in a few months.” That, while painful and something that will not be well-received, is not as catastrophic as her finding out herself at the gas station without adequate cash to cover the bill.

11. Advance notice of any disappointments is the best policy, with honest, candid, factual reporting and projection.

12. If there is a disaster pending that will cause serious uprooting, it’s time to tell all. She will rally if given a chance to absorb the issues but if they are sprung on her suddenly it can cause a massively negative reaction.

13. Yes, it is all your fault, so accept the blame and the beating you are about to receive and admit that you screwed up.

14. Learn to cut corners during your transition. Just because you did it one way when you were flush does not mean you have to continue to do the same while financially challenged. Make the adjustments. Be honest. your wife will respond favorably to this approach and will support it if well presented. Stupid spending when things are headed downhill is not inspiring or confidence-building, quite the opposite. It destroys your credibility which is probably already damaged.

15. Allow your wife to be emotional, upset, angry and disappointed. She has a right to these emotions and she should feel free to express them. Leave her alone and let her emote, then support her and thank her for understanding and tell her you understand she is angry and frustrated, but you will turn this situation around, wait and see.

16. You must have an exit plan and a turnaround plan, a way to return your family to stability and adequate support. Figure it out, reveal it at the appropriate time, then do it.

I could go on and on, but I believe this lays the groundwork. In short, the answer to maintaining your spousal relationship in a stressful workout environment is to accept the loss and create a plan for moving forward. Understand that your wife is more emotional and you are more practical, that you are the risk-taker and she is forced to accept risk she did not want in the first place. Accept the responsibility and communicate effectively with understanding of your wife’s needs. If you accept the full responsibility for everything that happens you may get through this with your wife still by your side.

You are and must remain in control, even if your business is self-destructing in front of you. You can be the master of your destiny no matter what the outside circumstances may be and that is one of the reasons your wife married you in the first place, so you could take care of her. So do it, bro! In the face of disaster, do it. She deserves this. You can survive a workout with your marriage intact. But it takes effort and understanding.